A Married At First Sight husband stoops low on Tuesday night and mocks his wife with an atrocious impersonation in a moment that’s almost more shocking than the elderly couple threatening to release their trove of sex tapes.
The caricature allegedly comes complete with a high-pitched voice. While it’s not caught on film, we imagine it’s delivered with the same singsong catchiness of a schoolyard taunt: i KnOw yOu ArE bUt WhAt aM i?
We’d expect nothing less from a grown man on this show.
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It’s always a bad sign when the contestants lock themselves in a cupboard and record an SOS message on a handheld camcorder. That’s how tonight’s episode opens: Ellie, slumped on the floor of the wardrobe, frantically ranting down the barrel of a camera, Blair Witch-style.
She has just returned from what was supposed to be a romantic dinner with her amateur podcaster husband Ben. But it felt more like she was on a date with herself – an evil, carnival fun house mirror version of herself. Apparently, Ben spent the evening doing a mean impersonation of her.
“He asked me: do I think he’s here for the right reasons or is he here to promote a podcast,” she recalls of the dinner conversation.
She told him she believed he was genuine.
“And then … he actually mocked me.”
She changes her voice to a silly high-pitched squeak as she does an impersonation of his impersonation.
“oH! yOu’Re hErE fOr ThE rIgHt rEasOnS!” he apparently mimicked his wife.
Sitting on the floor of the closet, Ellie fights back tears.
“Honestly, it struck a nerve,” she tells us. “And made me feel really stupid. … Just belittling me. Why would you start that conversation … and then go at me like that? And make me feel so stupid. The way he treated me was really, really awful.”
Ellie is full of grace. She could’ve easily stooped low and returned fire with a mean impersonation of him: hEy GuYs, i’M bEn – mAkE SuRe tO lIkE aNd sUbScriBe tO mY pOdcAsT!
Ben’s version of events is a little different. When asked about dinner, his response is to basically roll his eyes and scoff: “wOmEn! Amirite?”
“Ellie’s extremely sensitive,” he tells us. “And it’s hard to have a conversation with someone who’s very emotional.”
The following morning, they avoid each other. Ellie stays in bed all day under the blankets. She wants to go out to the kitchen and ask her husband, “Would you like a coffee?” but she’s scared he’ll scoff and mimic her again: uGh! wOuLd yOu lIkE a CoFfEe?
Meanwhile, “sex week” continues. The elderly couple is tasked with discussing their kinks and they both declare their yen for being filmed in the bedroom.
We assume all their sex tapes have been recorded on Super 8. They probably need an antique slide projector to view them. Wouldn’t be surprised if the footage is sepia tone.
It’s good to hear nan and pop are keeping up with the young whippersnappers. Across the hall, Eden is photographing some tasteful nudes of her husband Jayden. They should run down to Officeworks immediately and have the photos printed on really big canvases to hang on their walls.
Across town, the sexpert Alessandra summons the girls to a sex workshop. Ellie’s still feeling sensitive about her husband’s mean impersonation and she spills it all to the ladies.
“He was mocking me,” she tells them.
Alessandra gasps. “He mocks you?”
The other wives are appalled. And that says a lot because, well, their own husbands are equally appalling.
Speaking of appalling husbands, let’s check in on Jack. He’s still stringing along his wife Tori, who thinks they’re sexual soulmates.
“At this point, I’m ready for us to just be rooting like rabbits,” she confides in us, predicting they’ll finally seal the deal this week.
Ah … Jack? Will this be happening?
“Truthfully, I don’t have massive sexual energy with her,” he tells the boys. “I just don’t have a spark of, ‘I wanna have sex with this girl ASAP’”
So, to make a bad situation worse, the sexpert Alessandra makes Jack engage in a five-minute pash with his wife. The mere thought makes him cringe. He negotiates the time down to two minutes. Tori isn’t offended. She’ll take whatever milliseconds he can spare.
“I love having power and control,” Jack grins to us, recalling yet again his Fifty Shades Of Grey fantasy. “And I know I’ve got her where I want her. The ball is in my court.”
Down the hall, amateur impersonator Ben catches wind that Ellie isn’t happy with him. Red flags are piling up – the impersonations plus the fact he keeps umming and ahhing about his desire to have kids. He knows he needs to stay on this show to promote his fledgling podcast. He has dreams of using this show as a launching pad for a grand media empire. So he borrows some acting tips from Collins and puts on a hammy performance to win his wife back over.
“I was at the gym,” he says in a breathy, introspective voice. “And then I had a phone chat with my sister-in-law. Had my niece and nephew in the background. They were crying and screaming … and … it just made me smile. And I just realised … what I *want*. It means that … I’m ready to settle down proper. I do want to have kids in the future.”
Oh pah-lease! Boo! Ellie can see through this bulls-
“That makes me happy to hear!” she squeals.
It’s only a matter of time before she sees the truth and unsubscribes from him and his podcast.
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