James Weir recaps MAFS: Groom’s sook after wife’s slam dunk dumping

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A Married At First Sight vow ceremony becomes “more funeral than wedding” when one embattled husband’s plan to take control of his villain edit are foiled by his scorned wife who grabs the shovel and buries him alive.

It’s a classic storyline ripped directly from one of Hollywood’s greatest masterpieces: the Looney Tunes. Just when Elmer Fudd thinks he has finally destroyed Bugs Bunny with a big red stick of dynamite, that wascally wabbit drops an anvil on his head.

That’s all, folks!

All the freaks have been evicted from the Trash Tower suites and are now enjoying some time apart in the real world. In a few days, they’ll reunite at a final vow ceremony to reveal their big decisions: break-up? Or stay together and secure a Metamucil sponsorship deal? It’s high stakes.

Lauren’s still fuming after finding out her husband Boring Jono has been engaging in textual relations with their co-star, Boring Ellie. Who knew two people so boring could do something so mildly interesting? They’re two peas in a pod. Or … two bores in a … library.

Anyway, is there any point to a ceremony for Lauren and Jono? Right now, the marriage seems over. But maybe they can salvage the relationshi-

“Being apart from Lauren, I feel amazing,” Jono sighs as he settles back into his old life. “The further away I get from Lauren, the better I feel.”

OK. Well … maybe Lauren has done some reflection and is open to mending their romanc-

“I didn’t wanna be involved in this level of f**kery,” she spits.

Her mind swirls with speculation about how deep Jono’s relationship got with Ellie. What did he even see in her? Lauren could drink Ellie under the table and then recite the Guzman y Gomez menu by heart. She’s every man’s dream! You’d have to be crazy to toss that away.

She ponders the ways in which she could have stopped this from happening. In her head, every moment from the past two months replays on slo-mo. Should she have spent more time looking for signs of a potential betrayal and less time conceiving wisecracks about Jack’s uncanny resemblance to a lobster in a blouse?

Pressing on the bruise a little harder, she wonders if Jono is still texting his other woman.

“He’s probably gonna be asking her for feet pics and box shots,” she mutters.

She’s furious at her husband. And she’s furious at herself – because, despite the anger, deep down there’s a small part of her that wishes he’d text her asking for feet pics and a box shot. She wouldn’t even mind if he sent her a pic of his box.

When it comes time for the vow renewal ceremony, Jono dresses for the occasion in all-black.

“It’s more funeral than wedding – but seems appropriate,” he says.

‘Tis. And the producers scramble to pick a location to match: the local cemetery.

“Final vows is going to be a horribly awkward experience,” he says.

Which is why he has a plan. In an attempt to flip the script, he uses his vows to shirk off his villain edit and hot potato it onto Lauren by making her the bad guy.

“I did develop feelings for you instantly,” he tells her.

“We had some good days. But mostly the days were not enjoyable for either of us. I feel like you viewed everything I did through a negative lens. You say I was boring and robotic.”

It’s worth noting that, as he reads off his palm cards, his voice is slow and monotone – qualities that some may describe as … well … boring and robotic. Then he brings up the Ellie texts to get ahead of the drama.

“You snatched my phone off me and pretended like the messages with Ellie were flirty. They were not,” he declares before levelling accusations at his wife.

“Seeing you so willing to lie like that astonished me. And by lying to the whole group to make me look bad, you showed you don’t support me and it makes me deeply upset. This is when I knew you weren’t the person for me.”

Instead of taking the bait and reacting with a furious outburst, Lauren throws her head back and cackles.

“Sorry, that is just laughable,” she says.

Jono thinks he has won. There’s no possible way Lauren can come back from this. He has dumped her and that’s all that matters. But his smirk morphs to a grimace when his wife expertly one-ups him with her own dumping.

Lauren clears her throat and clammy reflects on their romance B.E. – Before Ellie. She keeps her thoughts on their time A.E. a little more brief.

“Although you completely wasted my time in terms of finding a romantic partner, you taught me that I should always trust my gut. Jono, I don’t see a future with you,” she says before offering an empowering message that should be screen-printed on T-shirts and sold at Cotton On. “And no, it’s not me – it’s you.”

She skips off over the grass and smiles at the love that awaits her. There’s someone perfect coming her way. Someone who doesn’t text other girls. Someone who talks with inflections. Someone who isn’t boring.

Meanwhile, Jono sulks to producers.

“I did nothing wroooong!” he whines.

His plan to cast Lauren as the villain has failed. Not only did she get the last word – but she’s still the reigning champ of the season and a certified fan fave.

“I’ll take a bit of time and then, when I’m ready, I’ll start looking again,” he sniffs.

It’s heavy-handed foreshadowing by producers who are gleefully teasing the looming Jono and Ellie relationship.

“I wanna find that special someone.”

Lovely! Let’s just all agree to keep our box shots to ourselves.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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